


We can't prove what's real

by WhatTheHeckIsGoingOn



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Depersonalization, derealisation, evan goes through a lot, mention of suicide, mild panic attack, not fun thinking you're actually dead, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24055366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatTheHeckIsGoingOn/pseuds/WhatTheHeckIsGoingOn
Summary: Or: The mind's a scary placeEvan is overwhelmed with the entire Connor Murphy situation and starts thinking about the possibility that he is actually in a coma (and everything is happening in his head).
Kudos: 10





	We can't prove what's real

It was raining again.

Evan closed the file for his finished essay, carefully placing the laptop next to him.

He had left the window open to stay focused and yet he hadn't realized the profuse smell of rain. Somehow he just wanted to go outside and get soaked in it.

For now he settled on stretching out his hand and capturing the heavy droplets in his palm.

His eyes drifted up to the sky, admiring the patches of stars he slowly started to see. Like he was looking through the holes inside of a snow globe, like the sky was ripped in some places and couldn't decide between clouds and the universe.

He just stood there, admiring and thinking about nothing except that time in eight grade when he and Jared had spent the night at the lake.

Back then, nothing had felt too big, or too small. It was just them under the stars, the universe embracing them. They talked about their past, their hopes, everything and nothing at once and how in moments like this the world just felt so peaceful and weird at the same time.

It was the last happy memory they shared before drifting apart.

Evan forced himself not to think about it further and went to sit on his bed, laptop on his lap and putting in his headphones.

_Why didn't your suicide work out?_

_**Shut up .** _

But he couldn't fight the thoughts. He couldn't stop blaming himself for not telling the truth about the letter, for lying in favour of not having to face the consequences.

If it ever came out that this hadn't been Connor but him, people would start asking questions. They would inevitably figure out that he hadn't fallen from the tree.

What if they thought he was just trying to get attention? What if Zoe started hating him? What if everyone realised just how much of a failure-

He was crying.

All he had wanted to do was make them feel better. He hadn't meant to make it look like this was actually a letter to him by Connor. But Mrs. Murphy had kept talking and she was about to start crying and if his mother would find out he had killed himself he wished for someone to-

_You nearly did this to your mother._

She would've been better off without him, she wouldn't have to pay for his medication, she wouldn't have to worry about his future, she-

Was his mother. She wouldn't be able to recover from this without friends or some safety net. They couldn't afford her just not going to work for a day - how would she survive when she would have to mourn her only son's death?

He would've killed her.

* * *

Evan was slowly calming down, pondering to just put on a movie and hug a pillow until he felt comforted and safe again. It was a terrible night and he deserved some rest.

_What if you're dead?_

That was just ridiculous, he knew that much. Sure, he couldn't exactly prove that he was alive without basing it on factors created in what was reality - but there was nothing else he could measure it on.

So what if this was a simulation and someone was watching him out of whatever reason?

(What if sometimes he could swear his mother wasn't human but something unnatural, testing him and looking right through him?)

If this was some sort of simulation, if he was the only real person, then what?

He could play along with that. He could play along with someone watching him, trying to get him to break whenever he thought he had something under control.

(Sometimes Evan could swear that something was glitching, that someone else was there when he was supposedly alone.)

_What if you're in a coma? You did attempt, after all._

It wasn't impossible.

He could actually be lying in a hospital, his mind keeping him occupied, coming up with the reasoning that he simply broke his arm and continued with his life. The Connor debacle could be himself trying to entertain himself while slowly dying.

What a cruel way of entertainment. But then again, teenagers killed themselves all the time, people had to deal with the consequences all the time, Connor was a real person. He could see someone write this - he could see himself writing this.

_You're dying right now._

What?

_You're dying. That's why the song got stuck in your head. It sounds like a goodbye. You'd say these things when you're dying._

He was lying in a hospital bed. Jared and his mother close, his mother sobbing and Jared trying so hard not to cry, clenching the blanket.

Evan felt the heavy blanket on him, he knew it was night time, he could feel the tension in the air.

He was dying.

Whatever this was about sitting on his bed and listening to music wasn't reality. He was currently dying and his mind was shutting down, that's why he was realising he was in a coma. He was dying and couldn't come back to life to see them, he could feel it, he knew he wasn't real right now.

But he couldn't wake up.

_You're dying, you're dying, you're dying, you're dying-_

Evan barely registered when he started hyperventilating.

He grabbed the closest pillow and pressed his face into it to scream, not making a sound. He wouldn't wake up when he went to sleep now.

Jared. He could call text Jared, his friend would help grounding him.

With shaking hands he dialed the number, waiting for the other to pick up and tell him that this was just his mind playing tricks on him, that he was such a cry baby, that of course he was fine, and real, and he was not dying.

But Jared didn't pick up his phone, and neither did he react when Evan texted him.

_This Jared isn't real._

This time he didn't even have the nerve to stifle the sobs and silent screams, unsure if he was just going crazy or if he was actually dying.

His fists were clenched hard enough for him to be sure they would break if he applied just a bit of pressure. His lungs were burning and his vocal chords felt like they were going to rip and tear.

_You can't do anything about it. Don't fall asleep._

Forcing himself to take deep breaths and accept it.

Staring into space, the same song continuously playing, the same scene of his mother and his only friend playing over and over and over in his head. They needed to say their goodbyes, he had to give them time.

_So what? It'll be fine. Calm down._

Another deep breath, another heartbeat. Pretend you're not dying and this is real, skip to the comment section and jump between the same sentences. You can't remember what they previously said when you're dreaming, so this is real because they stayed the same, right? This moment was real, this was happening and he wasn't in a coma making this up.

If his mother and Jared were mourning him die then they were prepared for this - it was going to be okay.

It would be fine if he wasn't alive.

Afterlife just didn't feel that good.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry.
> 
> this experience of depersonalisation - especially this episode of sorts- is based on something that happened to me personally. scary experience, wouldn't recommend. it's weird calling your friend and asking whether you're alive while still thinking you're just trying to distract yourself from what you think is you dying. unsurprisingly, it's a fucked up anxiety thing.
> 
> please feel free to leave any sort of feedback or kudos if you liked it! :)


End file.
